It’s Not You, It’s Definitely Them (Friend?)

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Can I change your life? Nope but you definitely can.

Am I talking about a rags to riches story? No, otherwise I would be sending you some money right now. I’m talking about the little changes that snowball to bring you at least a few moments of peace. Before you ask, no I’m not referring to making your life ‘uneventful’ or ‘dry’ but a life free of drama means more time doing what you like, love or are interested in doing with those who really want the best for you.

Okay so I’m going to insult your friends. Wrong. I’m here to offer you the objective perspective that you’ve heard from your loved ones be they friends, family or associates that you didn’t know wanted your friendship and have shown you their loyalty but for some reason  you haven’t noticed. Probably too much social media lol so now you’re used to ignoring what doesn’t immediately sparkle but if you look at the process of diamond mining you might change your outlook on vulnerability, rough edges and sometimes ‘tragic’ appearances. Yes I’m referring to myself because I have those days where I cannot for the life of me be bothered to be ‘cute’ and I commit to this because I taught myself to stop caring about others’ opinions. If you come to my door and you don’t like my look that’s your problem I’ll still be feeling myself lol.

Let’s present the working scenario in quick succession!!!

If your friend spends most of your conversations telling  you their problems and you hardly get a word in edge ways then end the discussion exhaling, they are not your friend. They are your client, non-paying too I might add. Regardless of whether you’re  gifted at giving advice or not it’s not your baggage to carry. Now let’s say you tell your family about your friend’s situation, it’s not an expression of empathy it’s your unconscious way of ridding yourself or the stress that was imposed on you. Well that’s good right?!!! WRONG. IT’S NOT FAIR TO YOUR FAMILY!!! (/PARTNER) Why? They care about you and you’re making them take on stress that you could easily drop at the waste side.

Possible resolutions:

1. Gentle approach, get your ‘mouth back in the conversation. ‘No, listen…’ if they don’t after several days (give them a  maximum of two weeks to unlearn their dreadful habit and get it together) then move on to the next step. The next step is ‘cold turkey’ you don’t answer their various modes of contact and don’t call them back until they learn that conversations are bidirectional as in they work with at least two people and flow in MORE than one way.

2. If you feel brave enough address it head on. Now it may get fiery but hey at least this drama actually involves you and is relevant to your life this time. All the others were not even your concern, you just got stuck in the  rut of ‘counselling’ or ‘coaching’ for free. Be prepared. They will tell you they didn’t realise and that’s okay just remind them that you’re telling them now and you don’t want it  to be like that anymore. If you’re stressed out by them then make them aware of this by sharing these feelings. Some friends will see their errors and fix up and others not wanting to let go of their ‘free counsellor‘, will try to verbally force you back into your shell. DO NOT RETREAT!!! Fight passive aggressive comments with a threat to end the call…’Yeah, it’s not really what I meant, I’m going to go now’. Really take the time to appreciate the ugliness they spew if they vocalise it that way it will be easy for you to delete the ‘hanger’. Yes hanger you are the rail and they drape their problems all over your thoughts, feelings and poor ears.

3. No explanation, just block them from contacting you and get on with life. More often than not, they know they’ve used you and you’ve probably had your personal antagonisms so you’ve forced yourself to look the other way and feigned your oblivious to it. Despite loved ones’ reminders of how awful they were last time….’Didn’t they/she/he’….last time. If you’ve heard this conversation before WAKE UP/OPEN YOUR EYES AND MIND and make the changes your future and health depends on it.

-Be it poor self-esteem (little value of yourself outside of social media) and wanting friends (awareness that sadly people are often drawn to more be it social popularity for a known person or numbers and likes on a page)  *cough* EXCUSE

-Extreme loyalty (as you’ve known them a long time) and fear of change (making new friends but where to start?!!) *cough* EXCUSE 

I can comment because I was here with you or the person you know you could send this to and I managed to fix it using the above methods. Now I’m not rich but I’m happy and I found a zest for writing from my experiences. You are not a bin stop taking rubbish.

Support my kindle ebook (Amazon)  ‘It’s Not You, It’s Definitely Them’ detailing all the tea of my questionable relationships……buy it now, read it later

I wish you all the best in life

Teherah xXx

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