Relationship Advice For The Indecisive

It’s quite ironic but I’m actually going to advise you to take as little advice as possible. If you must get some advice I would also suggest that you seek it from people who have shown you on numerous occasions that they have your best interest at heart. No new or recent friends professing to be in the same or a similar predicament. If they need entertainment remind them that TV’s, cinemas and social media sites etc were made for that purpose.

Humans are considered a social specie so it’s understandable that you will want to share some information but don’t go any deeper than things you don’t mind strangers knowing. I say this because you cannot guarantee whom your business will be shared with. I’m not just talking about some ladies because as much as it’s played down we all know that some men also enjoy a good gossip session. Whether or not they start the conversation with ‘Girl let me tell you’ or not they still want something to discuss with their boys later.

From experience; I told a male friend that I quite liked our mutual friend because he asked me but I wasn’t thinking of going any further with my liking for the guy. Lo and behold not more than half an hour later said guy I had said was growing on me texted me; talking that small talk and giving himself away. I had only spoken to the guy I about course assignments prior to the phone call as we were on the same course so it was obvious that my confidant had spilled the beans. No I’m not assuming the guy later asked me why I wasn’t speaking any differently to him if I liked him ‘(so and so) told me’. At that point I had a really?  Moment.  If you don’t already know  everyone gossips the only difference is the intention. I personally prefer interest over ridicule any day of my life and my gossip tends to centre on my life as you can tell so any stories with my friends I’ve already sought permission before posting it.

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Pic from 123rf.com

Sadly I also have to give the frenemies some attention but I’ll try to keep it light as possible. I’m not sure what it is but you will serve a purpose in their life because you actually have something or enable access to something they want to acquire. They will pretend for as long as it takes that they are loyal to get what they want. Now if the transaction to their goal is long the cracks will show in selfish actions, insults or callous remarks masked by pleasantries ‘I was only joking…It’s just a joke’. Thus, manifested as a passive aggressive personality because by this time you will find it hard to believe your friend could really mean it. However, you’ll be very wrong. Why? Your definition of friendship is not the same as theirs and you had mistakenly expected your standard. All your successes that don’t filter down or benefit them will grate on their patience until they show you their true form.

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Pic by R. Wheeler

 

When you notice it run and don’t look back. Don’t try to be understanding, just get very familiar with your delete functions and block settings and take it as a lesson. It will be the biggest mistake of your life to continue with someone who doesn’t even deserve to smell you. Truth is you don’t realise that your qualities make you way out of their league and they despise you for this reason, although you don’t know your blessings. To summarise nasty should only be a descriptive for an action not the entire personality or fibre of someone you consider a friend, thank me later.

If they’re single and miserable they will encourage you to focus on the negatives of your relationship and doubt your knowledge of your relationship. Why? You already know they want a companion for their nights out, they seek what you have a relationship and how dare you have one when they’re unhappy. They’re baffled that you found a partner when they can’t find someone and every relationship issue to bring to them reminds them that they’re still single. Now not all single people are bitter contrary to popular commentary.  Make sure you choose the better kind of friend because if you break up with your partner after they plant the seed of doubt, they will not return the favour and accompany you on nights out if they’re loved up. Instead you’ll be on your own, if you’re very lucky they might speak to you from time to time just to check that you’re not doing better than them.

No, I’m not advising you to stay in any type of relationship with someone you feel unsure about because you have to do what’s right for you. It has to be your decision because you know your relationship with them better than anyone you could confide in (I had to add this I can’t have unsavoury characters referencing this post to keep you undecided).

I wish you all the best in life.

Teherah xXx

 

Support For Some Single Parents

I recently read one man’s rant about black single mothers shaking black men down for money. He claimed that black women try to get black men locked up for non-payment of child support and more. Yes, I will state and own my position that most of the man’s tirade in short can be summed up as rubbish because of his generalisation.
 

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Pic from Itaylor

I’ve seen, read and heard enough to be able to discuss this topic. Yes women can still work hard to provide a life for their children but some men need to get acquainted with the word ‘responsibility’. Their share continues with everything involved with raising a child so yes finances are included. If they don’t want their priorities to change they should remain abstinent. If they feel incapable of going without sex then they should expect to hand over some money when they start earning should a child be made.
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Pic from Pinterest

In fact no let me make my statement more accurate; I’m talking to men and women of every race skipping out on their children. Someone needs to tell them to get their act together. There comes a point when prioritising immediate gratification before everything else is no longer ‘cool’ or ‘cute’. Those affected by your selfishness will not ‘follow you’ or ‘like’ the picture of you out late and spending frivolously on your enjoyment. Well, unless they’re conducting their own investigation in preparation of legal proceedings. The single parent you slept with may go without a meal to ensure your child or children have something to eat. They might be up late at night, completing assignments for a course that they hope will benefit their household. They are also more likely to be the one to wake up in the early hours to soothe the child or children crying, wheezing or afraid of the dark.

On the other hand, I am also aware there are those who deliberately get involved with someone for the sole intention of securing a sponsor. There have been many highlighted cases of this amongst celebrities too. Despite, it being quite difficult to ascertain the extent of truth from gossip related website posts and press I agree that this reliance on someone else to provide (unless mutually agreed of course) is quite ridiculous. The time given to manipulate their target, could instead be used to find a way to generate their own money. I’m sure they could be more than someone to look at.

To conclude, the guy would have had a substantial argument if he was more specific. To generalise an entire race though….just sounds ignorant. All the best.

Teherah xXx

 

…The Common Adult Tantrum 

Not too long ago a friend asked me what they should do about their partner. Despite, living together they just couldn’t get their significant other to speak to them and were upset that instead of highlighting the issue their spouse would spend evenings worth of their time on the phone talking to their friend. Clearly realising they were two peas in a pod (although they would both beg to differ) I rolled my eyes were I wouldn’t be seen and expressed ‘great interest’ in this….enigma yes I’m about to join the crew in the space station or discover a new planet because I’m really reaching now.

Anyway I feigned great curiosity in the obvious mystery and asked a few questions for ‘assessment’ purposes (feel to answer them if you’re currently in the ‘doghouse’ or debating where you stand).

Questions

  1. Do their compliments start with ‘You must think…’
  2. Do their sentences end with ‘Don’t play with me’ or a random ‘Okay’
  3. Has their kiss changed or stopped?
  4. Are you both sleeping in the same bed?
  5. Do they mutter or huff? …..If they mutter does it sound like a prayer?…..Are they using their thinking face expression?
  6. Do they smile at you?….Is it tight lipped or accompanied by vacant eyes?

If you answered yes to 1,2,3,5 and the end of 6 chances are you’ve surpassed the starter of irritation and you’re on your way to the main; a heated discussion followed by the lovely doghouse for afters. No I haven’t forgotten question 4, I’ve saved the best for last. Why? Let’s put it out there, yes I know you may have slept elsewhere before and have still managed to keep your relationship but by putting distance between yourself and your spouse at bedtime you’re setting up a habit that can have damaging consequences.

 

(pic from a google search)

 

What does this have to do with their partner being on the phone? Let me explain. If you’re in the dog house the last thing you want is to drag the WONDERFUL experience on. The longer you leave the issues festering, the more time you give your partner to be let’s call it creative and figure out all the fabulous ways that they can get under your skin or ignore you. Suddenly the extent of their love comes to mind, PAUSE you went too far. Yes they love and care about you but you (hopefully) unintentionally hurt their feelings so they have reacted by raising their defences against you in order to protect themselves. Yes, I agree it is sad that they feel they need protection from you.

Obviously playing the advocate now, on the other side of the coin there are those who react in the former ways to mold you. Why? To turn you into someone that readily or eventually allows them to get their own way at least most of the time. No, I can’t advise you your spouse because you chose them so take responsibility for your choices.

 

pic from google images

 

You might think that’s a harsh comment but unless your partner is soon to be casted for their sensational acting skills, you must have seen the signs before you both got serious. You tell me what you were hoping would happen. This utopia of everyone learning to compromise does not exist and you know it. Some can unlearn unfavourable habits and others simply want what they want, when it’s convenient for them and of course in the ways that they deem acceptable to receive it. If we change those conditions from third to first person it becomes ‘I, I, I’ conditions. Hmmm, yeah I won’t even go there, whatever floats your boat. By the way I’m referring to humans beings and not a specific gender so it was odd to find less cartoon images of women handing over material things to men, when we all know it happens in general.
Resolution Sugestions (In order of potential success)

Communicate; be sincere and honest addressing the issue and let them know that even if they’re not wanting to speak to you or respond to you you’ll be there when they’re ready to talk about it. Why? You love them or care about them so whatever you did you’re sorry. No, you’re not at their mercy so swallow your pride. More often than not you come off as mature for making the first move so in turn your partner feels obligated to end their tantrum or other synonym.

Wait; sounds similar to communication but this is different in practice. This involves getting on with your lives and doing every other activity or routine the same, whilst waiting for them to make the first move. Yes, your partner should initiate the conversation that addresses the unspoken issue that has ruffled their feathers. This method helps to decrease the chances of an emotional outburst from them. If you don’t know what buttons you’ve already pushed, don’t bother to try a different combination.  After the channels of communication are open you can work with your partner to repair your relationship.

Gesture; demonstrating your feelings for them as indicated by your effort. Please note that you’ll still be required to apologise and or wait but this may improve their mood. It may also help to think about the things that they like and haven’t received in some time. WARNING!!! Be prepared to repeat this gesture more often than that one time so you don’t end up being compared to a one hit wonder and receive a return ticket to your new sleeping quarters. You know your partner so I have every faith that you’ll nail the brief of this challenge but if they’re anything like our friend in the second image I would suggest that you arrange a ‘date night’ of any activity they or both of you enjoy depending on how generous you’re feeling. A ‘romantic dinner’ can also be made or ordered in if you don’t have the time to go out or finances. Material things from flowers that some are more than happy to boast about to jewellery or vehicles are fine if that’s how you show your appreciation. It’s important to remember that if you enable certain behaviours it will cost you more emotionally or financially to receive what you want and if that’s peace it shouldn’t be so damaging.

I also have to touch on cheating because sometimes this is the consequence of poor communication, when people are unhappy with their relationship. If you keep going to bed angry or one person usually leaves after spats you’re not repairing the damage or emotional intimacy. In those moments of frustration, you may become selfish as you think about the subjective perspective. People have different coping strategies and not all will make sense or be morally acceptable to you because their not shared by you. Don’t worry, sometimes cheating isn’t valued by the participating partner either so they can feel remorseful later. It’s not all ‘doom and gloom’, in the event that you discover they’ve cheated the ball is in your court. You have a decision to make ‘red pill or blue pill’.
Best wishes
Teherah xXx

Is Change A Relationship Deal-Breaker?

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Pic by satherghoees1
In life people change in numerous ways depending on their experiences or environment, preferences and physiology but should this be a negative for a relationship?

50:50 

No I’m not sitting on the fence I’m giving you the basic probability to stay or leave, which depending on your context increases or decreases in either direction. However, relationships are thought to be deeper than the superficial so surely communication should come into play in order to prevent unnecessary friction or upset resulting from changes?

Scenario

Your partner suddenly puts on weight name the tactful ways of approaching the topic, instead of insulting them or ignoring the issue.

Could you exercise with them?

Could you adjust the foods that you buy?

You agree…

Well, how about taking none of the above actions and talking to them first? No, you’re not expected to become their parent and monitor their eating habits but nor should you ignore their changes. From my experiences the times when partners have randomly ballooned they (eventually) revealed that they were under stress at work or other place and eating takeaways more frequently or dealing with emotional upset and comfort eating. Yes people and not a specific gender comfort eat.  It’s not the eating that’s the issue, the root of the new habit is what’s concerning.

Then….

Let them know that you care about them and you’re there for them to discuss things should they need you. This approach should prevent the defensive arguments they may feel compelled to engage in; out of embarrassment that you’ve noticed the change in them.

Don’t take over after you’ve made your suggestions of how they could resolve their issue. Instead be supportive as their equal and not a dictator. Force is futile as people have to personally commit to change so there is no real point in repeating yourself until the cows come home. In fact zip it after you’ve mentioned it and wait for them to mention it again, either matter of opinion or possibly in a riddle or parable. Why? They care about your opinion of them and may wonder if you still find them attractive.

Commit to a decision

Now here is where it gets slightly tricky. You either still feel the same way about them or you don’t. It all depends on what your initial attraction was based on. No, that’s not a jab at you, it’s  your preference and whether you stay with them is your decision. A discussion between you and your significant other. What you shouldn’t do is seemingly continue as if you’re still invested but emotionally or physically check out of the relationship to lavish your attention on someone else. Your rejection is more harmful than your cheating so end it if physical change is not something you can deal with. Just be prepared because you might see them in the future looking just as good or better than they looked when you fell in love….or ‘deep like’ for the commitment phobic. They might give you another chance or they might reject you depending on the developments in their lives.

Other scenarios also related to stress, health (onset of  degenerative  or hormonal conditions/disorders ) and self-esteem issues include:

  1. Attire; persistently wearing more or less clothes in a way that’s incongruent to the climate or no care for this at all

2. Libido; wanting more or less sex than the usual frequency for your relationship

3. Commmunication style; abrasive, withdrawn and seeking behaviours (leading  questions for compliments or loaded questions to initiate arguments. BEWARE of stale topics being revisited)

Please  bear in mind that you may have changed too so don’t get defensive if this is brought up. When all is said and done if you can’t think of anyone else you’d rather be with, make sure you put effort into making it work. If not discuss the process of moving on as there is no need to hide or have two lives and over-exert yourself to keep up with lies. Ultimately it’s your decision to make.

To live is to change and in some respect it’s an indicator that you are learning. If life was a walk in the park I wouldn’t neeed to share this information.

Capitalism gifted consumerism to the people but people are not products. All the best.

Teherah xXx

 

It’s Not You, It’s Definitely Them (Friend?)

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Can I change your life? Nope but you definitely can.

Am I talking about a rags to riches story? No, otherwise I would be sending you some money right now. I’m talking about the little changes that snowball to bring you at least a few moments of peace. Before you ask, no I’m not referring to making your life ‘uneventful’ or ‘dry’ but a life free of drama means more time doing what you like, love or are interested in doing with those who really want the best for you.

Okay so I’m going to insult your friends. Wrong. I’m here to offer you the objective perspective that you’ve heard from your loved ones be they friends, family or associates that you didn’t know wanted your friendship and have shown you their loyalty but for some reason  you haven’t noticed. Probably too much social media lol so now you’re used to ignoring what doesn’t immediately sparkle but if you look at the process of diamond mining you might change your outlook on vulnerability, rough edges and sometimes ‘tragic’ appearances. Yes I’m referring to myself because I have those days where I cannot for the life of me be bothered to be ‘cute’ and I commit to this because I taught myself to stop caring about others’ opinions. If you come to my door and you don’t like my look that’s your problem I’ll still be feeling myself lol.

Let’s present the working scenario in quick succession!!!

If your friend spends most of your conversations telling  you their problems and you hardly get a word in edge ways then end the discussion exhaling, they are not your friend. They are your client, non-paying too I might add. Regardless of whether you’re  gifted at giving advice or not it’s not your baggage to carry. Now let’s say you tell your family about your friend’s situation, it’s not an expression of empathy it’s your unconscious way of ridding yourself or the stress that was imposed on you. Well that’s good right?!!! WRONG. IT’S NOT FAIR TO YOUR FAMILY!!! (/PARTNER) Why? They care about you and you’re making them take on stress that you could easily drop at the waste side.

Possible resolutions:

1. Gentle approach, get your ‘mouth back in the conversation. ‘No, listen…’ if they don’t after several days (give them a  maximum of two weeks to unlearn their dreadful habit and get it together) then move on to the next step. The next step is ‘cold turkey’ you don’t answer their various modes of contact and don’t call them back until they learn that conversations are bidirectional as in they work with at least two people and flow in MORE than one way.

2. If you feel brave enough address it head on. Now it may get fiery but hey at least this drama actually involves you and is relevant to your life this time. All the others were not even your concern, you just got stuck in the  rut of ‘counselling’ or ‘coaching’ for free. Be prepared. They will tell you they didn’t realise and that’s okay just remind them that you’re telling them now and you don’t want it  to be like that anymore. If you’re stressed out by them then make them aware of this by sharing these feelings. Some friends will see their errors and fix up and others not wanting to let go of their ‘free counsellor‘, will try to verbally force you back into your shell. DO NOT RETREAT!!! Fight passive aggressive comments with a threat to end the call…’Yeah, it’s not really what I meant, I’m going to go now’. Really take the time to appreciate the ugliness they spew if they vocalise it that way it will be easy for you to delete the ‘hanger’. Yes hanger you are the rail and they drape their problems all over your thoughts, feelings and poor ears.

3. No explanation, just block them from contacting you and get on with life. More often than not, they know they’ve used you and you’ve probably had your personal antagonisms so you’ve forced yourself to look the other way and feigned your oblivious to it. Despite loved ones’ reminders of how awful they were last time….’Didn’t they/she/he’….last time. If you’ve heard this conversation before WAKE UP/OPEN YOUR EYES AND MIND and make the changes your future and health depends on it.

-Be it poor self-esteem (little value of yourself outside of social media) and wanting friends (awareness that sadly people are often drawn to more be it social popularity for a known person or numbers and likes on a page)  *cough* EXCUSE

-Extreme loyalty (as you’ve known them a long time) and fear of change (making new friends but where to start?!!) *cough* EXCUSE 

I can comment because I was here with you or the person you know you could send this to and I managed to fix it using the above methods. Now I’m not rich but I’m happy and I found a zest for writing from my experiences. You are not a bin stop taking rubbish.

Support my kindle ebook (Amazon)  ‘It’s Not You, It’s Definitely Them’ detailing all the tea of my questionable relationships……buy it now, read it later

I wish you all the best in life

Teherah xXx